What Not to Do with an Autistic Child

Key Points:

• Misunderstanding autism can lead to harmful interactions, even when intentions are good.
• Punishment-based discipline, ignoring sensory needs, or forcing eye contact can be especially damaging.
• Parents should focus on consistency, patience, and working with professionals like ABA therapists.

You want to do what’s best for your child, but autism often changes what “best” looks like. Misunderstandings and missteps happen, especially when relying on traditional parenting methods. Learning what not to do with an autistic child is a key step in building trust, emotional safety, and a more supportive home.

Why Is It Important to Know What Not to Do?

Autistic children experience the world differently. Missteps in how they’re treated can increase anxiety, trigger meltdowns, and slow developmental progress. Unintentionally harmful actions can break trust, impact self-esteem, or disrupt emotional regulation. Knowing what to avoid equips caregivers with tools to build safer, more supportive relationships.

Should You Punish Autistic Children the Same Way as Neurotypical Children?

No, traditional punishment techniques can be counterproductive for autistic children. Their responses to cause and effect may differ, and many do not interpret punishment in the same way as neurotypical children. Rather than understanding it as a consequence of behavior, they may view it as a random or unfair action, increasing frustration or confusion.

Instead of punishment, consider:

• Teaching appropriate behavior through positive reinforcement.
• Understanding the reason behind the behavior (is it a sensory issue, communication barrier, or frustration?).
• Using visuals or schedules to support transitions or instructions.

Forcing Eye Contact or Physical Interaction

Autistic individuals often experience sensory input differently. Forcing eye contact, hugs, or handshakes may feel invasive or distressing. Children with autism might avoid eye contact, not out of disrespect or disinterest, but because it feels overwhelming or distracting. Similarly, not all autistic children want to be touched, especially by people outside their immediate comfort zone.

What to avoid:

• Insisting on eye contact during conversations.
• Forcing hugs, kisses, or hand-holding.
• Using physical prompts without warning.

What to do instead:

• Respect their sensory boundaries.
• Use verbal affirmations instead of physical ones if needed.
• Let them initiate or opt into physical contact.

Ignoring or Dismissing Sensory Needs

One of the most common mistakes parents make is overlooking a child’s sensory needs. Autistic children may be hypersensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, lights, textures, or smells. Dismissing their discomfort as an overreaction can increase distress.

Sensory-related mistakes to avoid:

1. Taking them to crowded, noisy places without preparation.
2. Forcing them to wear uncomfortable clothes or eat certain textures.
3. Not recognizing sensory overload signs like covering ears, withdrawing, or rocking.

Instead, create sensory-friendly environments, allow for sensory breaks, and work with therapists to identify triggers.

Using Vague Language or Sarcasm

Autistic children often interpret language literally. Sarcasm, idioms, or vague directions can cause confusion or anxiety. This misunderstanding can lead to behavioral issues that stem from frustration, not defiance.

Communication missteps include:

• Saying “Can you be good?” instead of specifying the behavior you want.
• Using phrases like “Hold your horses” or “Break a leg.”
• Making jokes that rely on tone or social context.

Clear communication tips:

• Use direct, simple language.
• Break down tasks into steps.
• Confirm understanding by asking them to repeat instructions.

Overstimulating or Overloading Their Schedule

Many autistic children thrive on structure and predictability. Packing their day with transitions, surprises, or too many activities can lead to burnout or meltdowns.

Avoid:

1. Changing plans without warning.
2. Scheduling multiple social events in a day.
3. Using unstructured downtime without a plan.

Use visual schedules, prepare them for changes in routine, and incorporate downtime for self-regulation.

Comparing Them to Neurotypical Siblings or Peers

Autistic children develop at their own pace. Comparing them to others can affect their self-esteem and increase pressure. Comments like “Your brother didn’t need help with that” or “Why can’t you behave like your classmates?” are damaging.

Every autistic child has a unique set of strengths and challenges. Supporting their individual growth is more productive than pushing them toward someone else’s developmental timeline.

Not Involving Professionals Early On

Waiting to “see if they grow out of it” or delaying therapy can slow progress. Early intervention is key to helping children develop communication, social, and adaptive skills.

If you notice signs such as speech delays, social avoidance, or repetitive behaviors, consult a developmental pediatrician or autism specialist. Many evidence-based interventions like Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy can make a significant difference when started early.

Dismissing or Downplaying Meltdowns

Meltdowns are not tantrums. While tantrums are often goal-oriented, meltdowns stem from sensory overload, emotional overwhelm, or communication breakdowns. Treating a meltdown as a discipline issue can escalate the situation.

Don’t:

• Yell or threaten consequences during a meltdown.
• Demand they “calm down” or “act their age.”
• Punish them afterward for how they reacted.

Do:

• Create a safe, quiet space for them to recover.
• Use calming tools like weighted blankets or headphones.
• Talk only after they’ve regained control.

Ignoring Their Communication Style

Autistic children may not use typical verbal communication. Some use AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices, sign language, or nonverbal cues. Expecting a traditional back-and-forth conversation can be unrealistic and frustrating for both parent and child.

Mistakes to avoid:

• Interrupting or speaking over them.
• Ignoring nonverbal communication (gestures, pointing, pictures).
• Forcing verbal interaction when other tools work better.

Celebrate all forms of communication and collaborate with speech or occupational therapists to strengthen them—especially when challenges like picky eating come into play. For a deeper understanding, check out our article, "Autism and Picky Eating: A Closer Look."

Support That Makes a Difference: ABA Therapy with Aluma Care

Parenting an autistic child means learning, unlearning, and adapting. Many traditional parenting tactics don’t translate well to autism. The key is not perfection but progress, and that includes avoiding harmful patterns. 

Aluma Care offers compassionate, evidence-based ABA therapy tailored to each child’s needs. Our expert autism therapists in New Hampshire, Kansas, and Virginia work closely with families, helping autistic children build life skills, improve communication, and manage challenging behaviors in ways that feel safe and supportive.

If you're unsure where to start or feel overwhelmed by the parenting journey, you're not alone. Reach out to us and see how ABA therapy can support your child’s growth, while also supporting you as a parent.